The Fire
My poor little baby cried as the smoke got in his eyes.
I found the balcony door, our town was such a bore
Everyone was gathered around on the ground.
My body shivering as I handed my baby to the man
With flickering wings.
They took ahold of my baby as someone
Called out "Lady".
I looked around but didn't see a thing,
So I finaly gave up and let my body swing.
I realized I wasn't dreaming as a man whispered,
"You're not crazy."
I slowly opened my eyes,
And then started to cry.
My house with all my hidden treasures,
was now nothing but a single feather.
I really liked your story and how you made it rhyme in some of your lines. I don't really understand the last line, so I think you may want to change that up a bit. But other than that it's a really good story!
ReplyDeleteThe thing I really liked about your story was the descriptive language you used. I'm just wandering if its better to make it a pharagraph form.
ReplyDeleteA very creative idea to write your story in verse. Be consistent with your rhyming lines. For example sometimes the rhyme happens in one line and sometimes it is spread over two lines. Pick one pattern and stick with it as it will help with the flow when reading your story/poem. It really helps to have all the words that rhyme at the end of the line. Some lines are really powerful and help tell the story and others seem random. For example I like the line "My poor little baby cried as the smoke got in his eyes." However, I am not sure how "the town was such a bore" fits your theme of your story.
ReplyDelete